It's about becoming.
I remember how it struck me when I first heard Nicholeen Peck, the "founder" of the "Teaching Self-Government" resources, say:
"I am not about creating "perfect" children. "Perfect" children do no exist. I am creating joyful adults who know what their mission in life is & can't wait to fight for it, & have solid relationships with God & family."
Parenting takes on a whole new light, when looked at it in this way, doesn't it?
It's a bit different & a bit more "long term" than most of us have our eyes & hearts set on, wouldn't you say?
It is NOT fast food.
We get so caught up (often times unconsciously) in this mentality, in our culture, of wanting (even falsely believing, that we are "entitled" to) our child's compliance &, worse yet, their immediate obedience.
We buy into, "I have to make my child behave."
And, "They should behave NOW".
Think about these two concepts...really think about them...
What truth is even remotely in either of these?
None.
The image I chose above was deliberate. A plant does NOT grow from a seed, or a root, or a cutting, to a full fledged plant or tree producing fruit overnight, or by one standing over it, demanding it "Grow up & produce fruit, right now!". I am sorry. It just isn't going to happen. And, we look pretty silly, in the reality of this, attempting to do so, don't we?
It's can't produce fruit this way.
And, it definitely isn't going to happen NOW.
Many plants, especially trees, don't even produce their full fruits or "potentials" for years, maybe even decades, and even for generations, to come.
We just get to teach them.
I remember when I had a pretty "course altering" realization. When in the moment of getting angry or frustrated that a child wasn't doing what I thought they should be doing, I saw this reality:
"If they don't act the way I think they should, I really don't need to get angry. They truly are not offending me or crossing my boundary. It is not personal, & I am okay. They are simply showing me, they need to learn a better way. They are showing me, they need me to teach them. I just need to teach them."
It's our job.
Remember how I said our job is to love them? Teaching (& how we teach them) is part of "loving them" - one of the greatest parts actually, as their parents. They don't learn or grow by your demanding. They learn & grow by your teaching them.
You want them to do something differently? You simply need to teach them.
Anger & frustration or completely unnecessary & useless here. In fact, it is counterproductive to the goal & true purpose of parenting. This truly is a freeing, & simultaneously "truly requiring of you" reality my dear friends! But then again, what true principle of freedom and happiness, doesn't?
How is it done?
So, how is this done most effectively?
By consistency in what & how you teach. Right?
Well, how do we do THAT?!
Great question! Here is the truth - the real answer:
We teach in everything we do. As parents, by nature of the very perfect design of the parent-child dynamic, we teach. We teach by our example, by the fruits of the choices we make in our lives & within our own selves. We also teach by precept: as we preteach & instruct, as we correct them, problem solve & practice with them, as we meet & counsel with them one on one & as a whole family, as walk & talk with them by the way, in all that we do - we are teaching. Teaching, is what fills our every moment with them.
Make it worth it. Make sure you are teaching what you really want to be teaching.
(Quote from a slide from week 1 of the 5 week Teaching Self-Government Parenting Course, where we help you learn, gain the understanding, sight & skills to do just that!)
Parenting is NOT about behavior modification:
your child's or yours.
If behavior modification is your goal, you will continually be frustrated & disappointed with them...and yourself. Parenting is about something much more, something much bigger, something with a bit longer term.
Most important to my purpose in writing this blog post, is to attempt to communicate the reality & truth of what parenting actually is, & in that what we can in truth, really expect...resulting in MUCH more peace, hope & joy - for you & your loved ones.
It is about your becoming. It is about their becoming. It's about "bringing them up" in the way they should go - for true freedom, real joy & lasting happiness. The behavior we desire from them, comes as a matter of due course of how & what we truly learn & then, in that, teach them.
What is your "why" of parenting?
Do you know?
What are you & your role "about"?
Stop & think about this. Ask. Look & study this out. Look in your Core book(s). What are the true principles of parenting & your role therein? Go write down what comes to YOU. Read it often, & keep this in your heart. Rework & update things as you need to. You will need this, as it is so easy to get caught up unconsciously in "cultural parenting" &/or "ourselves", & completely miss the mark - the gift, the whole point, here.
Parenting is about becoming - yours & theirs.
The reality is, it's all (every gift: parenting, being a spouse, your current challenges & opportunities, etc.) about becoming.
So stop... take a deep breath...and breathe. Smile to. ;) This perfectly perfect process is in process - this process of becoming. Look a forward with an eye of faith to what you are building, to what you both are be coming. Have the patience with your little tree. It is growing. :) And, so are you.
May God bless you & yours in your real intent to learn, to live & to love... & thus teach. I know He will!
